My anxiety has been super high and I thought maybe it would help if I wrote about it. Of course I don’t even know where to start which is the nature of my anxiety.
I could tell you how I want to vomit at the thought of making a phone call. Or that even though I’ve been busily working I still think that I’m not good enough.
I could write about how even though I present myself as a happy, bubbly, social person, I am constantly worried when I’m in public, and even when I’m home alone. What if I say or do something wrong, or what do people think about this thing I did 8 years ago that I’m sure they remember.
How am I suppose to be a successful, healthy, responsible adult? It feels impossible on the easiest of days. When my anxiety is like this it becomes an enormous obstacle.
I take medication and I take supplements. Some days I want to cry and I can’t. Do you know what it’s like not to be able to express my emotions?
Given enough time with this disabling anxiety, it turns to depression. I don’t want to leave my bed because everything has just become too much to deal with.
I’ve done the counseling, but how many times can you rehash the same issues, which is really what my anxiety is. Fear of rejection, fear of not being enough (in many ways.) Fear that people find me and my anxiety ridiculous.
All of this is heaped on top of my physical invisible and chronic illnesses. Making plans becomes next to impossible because who knows how my migraines or Fibromyalgia might be on a particular day or week.
All of this being said, there really is only one thing to do and that is move forward. As much as I dwell on the past of what was I can’t stay there. It’s not fair to myself or to the ones who love me. But knowing this does not make it any easier, some days it is just another unobtainable goal.
But some days are good, somedays I can put on my anti-anxiety pants and rock my life like it deserves to be rocked. Those are the days that are worth working towards. Those are the days I share my life with you all for. Because if I can make it happen occasionally, there is hope that you can too. And I’m here, for you. I maintain an almost constant online presence on Twitter @thepinkwoobie, so feel free to give give me a shout out if you need a little boost, because I know having a person to just say hello to can make all the difference.