Good or bad I’d really like to share my life with you. I say and do a lot of positive things on this blog and in social media outlets, but the truth is, some days I’m ready to give up all together.
If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time, or following me on social media you will know that I live and work with chronic illness. My particular brand of torture is Fibromyalgia which is known for it’s wide spread pain and fatigue. What most general descriptions of Fibromyalgia don’t tell you is that it also has some friends who like to visit. My migraines are pretty under control these days thanks to Botox for migraines, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t get wicked tension headaches and an occasional break through migraine. On top of the general pain of Fibromyalgia I also have tenosynovitis in my thumb, most likely an over use issue from spinning yarn. This kind of sucks.
With Fibromyalgia even just small tweaks of muscles or tendons can set me back for days at a time. This also makes my general body discomfort sky rocket. If you are not familiar with the “pain scale”, it’s when you go to the doctor and they ask you “0 being no pain, and 10 being the worst pain you ever felt.” Sometime’s there’s a picture involved. It looks something like this:
What these faces don’t tell you is what even a 2 on this scale can be like living day in and day out. Most days I deal, I drink my coffee and I take my meds and I forge through trying to make the best life I can for myself and my husband. Then it rains and my muscles scream at a 5 0r 6, or I carry laundry down to the basement and my shoulder shoots to a 7. This means the projects I had planned for the day or even the week get put on hold. And anyone who works knows, if you don’t work you don’t get paid.
Then there is the work of actual day to day living that everyone must do. Back seven years ago when I thought this was just me taking more than the suggested six weeks to get over pneumonia and whooping cough, our life started to change. Ryan took over most of the household chores, we both hate to clean and do dishes, but we were managing. Between his his school work, his teaching, and his retail work we lived in organized chaos.
Fast forward to today, Ryan is working extremely hard to finish his PhD. so we can move on in our life. He still teaches and he still works retail at the corner beer, wine, and home-brew store. I’ve attempted to keep up with the household chores, not just because he doesn’t have the time to do them, but I’m relatively healthy compared to seven years ago and it’s something I need to do for myself to prove I am an adult. I’m failing miserably. There is no organization to our chaos. I can’t have people over because there are boxes and laundry and crafting supplies on every flat surface. I feel stuck in a hole I will never climb out of.
This is what my last 5-7 days have been about. Balancing my business work, with my housework, with my health and pain. That 2 on the pain scale that I’ve been living with has shot up to a 5, not terrible, but it certainly hinders my productivity. And the weather, hot and humid, with storms on their way.
This is where I’m at today, ready to give up, but I won’t. There are dishes waiting to be loaded into the dishwasher and clothes waiting to be folded. After that I will promptly lay on an ice pack and hopefully get some work done. And just so you don’t think I’m all tears and sadness, here’s a gnome.
PS. If you are looking for an awesome and humorous treatment of the above pain scale check out Hyperbole and a Half’s rendition from 2010.