Disability

Disability

I’m in the process of appealing my denial of Social Security Disability.  I struggle every day with the fact that I even have to utter the word.  I feel some how inferior to everyone else.  I ask the questions: What if I really can do more than I am doing?  What if I’m just lazy?

I also fear judgment from other people, people who might see me as lazy or a slacker.
There are days when I consider calling my lawyer and canceling the whole thing.  And then there are days like today that remind me why I started the process in the first place.  This week was a pretty good week, I’ve been content with my level of activity, I’ve had some enjoyment in my life, but I’ve also struggled a little.  A good level of activity means I left the house three times this week, yeah not all that much to write home about, but I felt good.  My main struggle is fatigue, and I’m constantly trying new things to combat this.  Yesterday, I was absolutely exhausted.  I just couldn’t shake it.  I got a fever in the early evening and just felt like I was starting to get sick.  I should have known what was coming then.  About 12:30 my entire body started to ache.  And then it started to send searing pain down my legs and arms when I moved.  My back has been sore for weeks and it’s about 10 times as bad now.
This morning, when I woke up, I could barely stand.  It’s hard for me to walk to the bathroom.  My apartment measures about 600 square feet in its entirety, so the bathroom is not that far away.  I fluffed my pillows, had Ryan scramble me some eggs for extra protein and settled in for a pain filled day.  Then, I was glad that I had filled out the medical releases for the lawyer last night.  Because right now, working, school, general responsibility in life is not an option.
There are days I hate myself for this.  I know I didn’t do anything wrong.  But it just SUCKS, that’s all I can really say.  I’m an active woman inside, and I just wish my outside could represent that.  Now I’m crying… well, I think I just needed to get that out.  To let you know of my struggles, both physically and mentally when it comes to living life.