Not so good days

Not so good days

So I hear a lot that things “seem to be going great” for me and my recovery.  Well that may not be such the truth.  I’ve been struggling more than just a little, but I try not to complain.  My wonderful mother tells me that it’s not complaining, but explaining about why things aren’t going so great.  So here things go.  At the moment I’m taking a day off from day program because the University is closed.  I miss the structure, but since Mom is here I got up at a semi normal time, and we are going to try to stay busy.  Here is a list of things that seem to not being going so well in my recovery :

  • Every time I try to sleep, or wake up my mind races about everyday normal things or worries and I am not able to get back to sleep.  Lack of sleep equals lack of productivity and overall good mood.
  • The thought of work or school sends me into a near panic attack.  As much as I want to go back, I worry that things won’t go like I want them to.  I’m a smart person, but because of all of this, I can’t articulate my intelligence most of the time.
  • I feel that things will never be normal, if there is such a thing.  I’ve been feeling like this for so long, I have no idea how I’m suppose to feel.
  • I miss friends.  I know they are out there, and they support me.  But getting out to actually see and socialize with them is almost next to impossible.
  • Everyone else’s lives seem to be moving on, while I am back paddling just trying to stay afloat.
  • I am having killer headaches/migraines, and the psych doctor has taken me off one of my pain killer for headaches.  So I’m “dealing” which means wearing sunglasses indoors and hiding under the covers.
  • I’ve been crying a lot.  Which if you’ve spent much time with me, I don’t really cry all that often.  Anything makes me cry right now, mostly because I’m reminded of something that was, or could be.
  • I’m in pain, all the time.  In theory everything that I’m doing is the right thing, but it will take a long time to start feeling better, I’m trying to be patient.
These are just a sample of the things, but I hope you can read these things, and know you are not alone on a bad day.