I don’t even know how to handle myself anymore.  I’ve been going to bed at a regular time and getting up at a regular time (earlier than Ryan would like).  Which means I’m getting real sleep, this is the first time I have gotten restorative sleep in about 8 years.  I’ve been busy walking, doing yoga, and household chores.  

But just because I can do these things does not mean things are much better.  Today for instance, I need desperately to do laundry, wash dishes, go to the pharmacy, the library, and the grocery.  But I’m laying in bed, exhausted.  My walk this morning was easy, just a quick jaunt around the block with a friend.
So why do I feel this why.  Why am I laying here, under the covers light turned off, barely able to keep my eyes open.  I want to cry, scream, throw a temper tantrum.  I don’t ever remember if I threw temper tantrums when I was little, I’m sure I did, but this is how I feel the majority of the time now.  I want to roll on the floor, throw things, kick, scream, and yell….. I don’t even have to yell real words.  I just want to yell.
I just want to be a responsible adult who can take care of the things that need taking care of.  I don’t want to be tired, I don’t want my body to hurt in places that there is no reason for.  I love the feeling I’m getting from Yoga, and it is stretching me out and causing some comfortable pain.  But then there are the jabbing ice pick pains, and the sore muscles, and bruises that have nothing to do with a physical activity.  I am just so tired of it.
And I’m so tired of being emotional about it.  I’m almost afraid that I want to emotionally hurt those around me so they can have at least an idea of what is going on.
I want to tear out my insides.  
I want how I feel inside to be visible to everyone on the outside.
I’m turning off the comments for this post… I  know what people will say and I just don’t even really need to hear it, because I’ve heard it already.  No offense to my readers.  I just want this to be a post on the internet, with no discussion.  Period.